Without Air

I am here, but I am really not. I am walking and talking and doing all the things my life is made of, but my mind is some where else. I find myself gasping for breath every time a flood of memories washes over me. I kept my sanity in Mexico by listening to songs, the songs I shared with him. It was all that I could do to feel his presence. But now those songs play and my heart physically hurts.

Now the tension and pressure and stress is gone and I am stuck here, in this life I am somehow suppose to go back to. My mind wonders to the hospital room where I last forced his arm around my neck so I could feel him hug me one last time. To the beaches of Coronado that we drifeted to that last night and how I knew every turn on that island because we spent so much time there together.

Now there's not a together and there's all this space where I just miss my dad. I know his physical body is somewhere in a hospital in San Diego, but I miss him. The pieces of him that cant be explained. The pitch of his voice, the way he would say my name, how he kicked a soccer ball with the back of his heel, how he yelled at the stupid Argentine National team, the way he held my hand when we danced.

I hate this part of life, the physical pain of loosing someone that you loved deeply. All those memories that play over and over and you just know that they are already fading. The moments when you need them and their words and are left with a void. I haven't wanted to talk to anyone or see anyone. I'm still trying to catch my breath.

I don't want to move on. Because moving on means its all real. That he will never be. That we will never have or never do and the finality of that reality still takes my breath away.

I know all the right answers here. To feel peace that we did all the right things, to honor him by the way I live, to trust in God that it will all work out. But my heart dismisses all common sense and I would give anything in this world to be driving in his car right now listening to U2 at full volume and see his smile just one more time.

Anything. 

from the band mana -  Vivir sin aire
(the english version) the spanish song is so much better.

How much I’d like to be able to live without air
how much I’d like to live without water
I’d love
to love you a bit less
how much I’d love to be able to live without you

But I can’t, I feel I’m dying
I’m drowning without your love

How much I’d like to be able to live without air
How much I’d like to calm my affliction
How much I’d like to be able to live without water
I’d love to steal your heart

How could a fish swim without water?
How could a bird fly without wings?
How could a flower blossom without soil?
How much I’d like to be able to live without you

But I can’t, I feel I’m dying
I’m drowning without your love

How much I’d like to be able to live without air
How much I’d like to calm my affliction
How much I’d like to be able to live without water
I’d love to steal your heart

How much I’d like to throw you into oblivion
How much I’d like to put you away in a drawer
How much I’d like to erase you by blowing
I’d love to kill off this song